For the first time in a long time i let myself think about actually leaving hawaii and i’m broken, hurt, and devastated.  i know it sounds strange that im leaving even though im feeling all these things but like my therapist said, i need to make a choice for whats right for right now and even though im so hurt moving is whats right for right now.

Since we’re leaving i need help building the ultimate bucket list for oahu.  So anyone that lives here, has lived here, has visited here, wants to visit here i want to hear the things that you want to do, have done, or LOVE to do!

go!

girl worked it out.  she looks like she might really cry! no tears, in fact she was trying not to laugh

While getting ready to go out tonight I put on my band new shirt to discover it had shrunk in the wash. Everything else that I own which maybe relatively presentable was dirty and I don’t own any casual out on the town wear. I either have super dressy clothes or complete bum clothes oh and gym clothes….so in true form I sat in the laundry room ad cried then came upstairs and cried some more bc I had ruined the night and to be honest today sucked. It was so full of stress where little things made it a million times worse and this night just did me in. I wish I could convince my husband to go out so I can sit and feel sorry for myself on my own right now because he just doesn’t understand it’s been one of those days. I either want to be alone or to cry in someone’s arms and he doesn’t get that at all. So instead I’ve drawn myself a lavender bath and brought Harry to comfort me and take me away. #rant #girlproblems #sad #stressed #emotional (Taken with instagram)

Last night we had sex and im in the weird place between my pill packs where im skipping the sugar pills and starting a new pack.  This means that my body has been preparing for my period but i’m stopping it.  Since its been preparing I can feel my aches in my body and more random cramping than the average day.  This also means I need to be cautious with sex.  I didnt cramp after like i used to but even worse…cramping during sex.  There is no explaining it to someone that doesnt know the feeling but i just wanted to stop and cry.  We switched it up and it stopped but it didnt stop me from wanting to cry.  I cry because of pain, but i also cry because it fucks with you emotionally.  I dont really know how to explain it…i feel like i just want to curl up and not be touched by anyone.  Its embarrassing but its not at the same time, its frustrating, i feel almost violated-not by him but by my body-ugh i dont know how to explain it but just thinking about it is making me all teary.

sorry for those that read this and it was too much but this is my blog and endo is a part of my life.

sometimes there is something so therapeutic about a silent house and emotional music playing.  i think i lay on the floor and just sing at the top of my lungs to the music.

i have it…or at least thats what two doctors think i have since you cant exactly say for sure whether or not you have it unless they go in surgically.  If i dont have it, then fuck, they better start doing some serious tests because the pain i feel isnt normal.  This is an extremely personal post, and very much not a fitness post but this is me. Its been a huge part of my life for year and very significant in the most recent past, and while my tumblr focuses on fitness its about my life.  After searching for endo here on tumblr i came across a TON of tumblrs that also share my pain so i feel a little more comfortable putting this out there.  Its definitely something that makes me feel lonely.  How do i explain to people that i feel like what i think beginning birth pains feel like are what im experiencing while im on my period.  how do i explain that im doubled over in pain after being intimate with my husband and it literally destroys be emotionally to not just be able to enjoy my husband the way i should on that level.

ive been a really big emotional mess recently, and seriously lashing out at bill and i think a large part of that is because of all of this.

Im schedules for surgery next week and im feeling extremely conflicted.  I feel like there are other girls out there that are experiencing worse pain than i am and im just being a baby in not dealing with it. im scared to go under on top of it. i just dont know how to feel right now.

Bill came with me today to my appointment and did a lot better than i expected and while i was a little anxious about bringing him im glad i did.  then after watching me get an internal exam and ultrasound he kissed me and told me i saw sexy as i got my clothes on.  i am thankful for that.  but now im just blah….this is a lot to take in.

thankful today is a stretching/strength day. im off to yoga and try to clear my head some.

Have you ever felt like you just HAVE to get out, like youre being suffocated by the place you live in?  Like you dont belong there?  Have you ever felt like you need to find your home?

I spent my later teen years feeling this way.  I left home and went to school in Chicago.  I was happy but it just wasnt right.  I missed my home where my family is so badly it physically hurt within my body and I would spend hours just moping and crying in my room.  I flew home when i could, and my mother missed me so she completely encouraged it.

I came to Oahu when I was 19, sight unseen.  I had NO idea what i was getting into.  I thought Hawaii was all the pictures you see, but instead i arrived in a city where palm trees grew but the homeless slept along the streets.  I was unimpressed.  It was expensive and what you paid for was crap.  My ex followed me out here and ended up living in the same apartment building as I did so we spent most of our time together when i wasnt working.  I took the bus everywhere which took what felt like forever and had to switch over to like 3 different buses to get anywhere.  If I had a car it would take me 15 minutes not the 50 the bus took but it was my only option (looking back i prob could have gotten a bike).

I stayed though, i made it work.  I eventually broke up with my then boyfriend, moved, met people and purchased my beater ass car.  My classes taught me about the people in hawaii and the land i was living on and the friends I had made were intent on enjoying the island, the people, and the food.  And soon enough I was home.

Most of you know by now we are leaving in august and i am devastated.  This place, this land, these people….this is my home.  I am more aware of it now than i ever have been.  As we drive around i feel myself being physically pulled towards the land. this is going to sound ridiculous to most of you but i wish there was a way i could hug the land.  I just want to lay on the ground under the mountains and feel the earth beneath me, listen to wind blow through the trees on the mountain and watch the clouds race by (because here in hawaii the clouds hang low and move fast).  I have finally found home, and now we have to move.  Its truly the sensible thing to do but everything inside me is kicking and screaming and dragging my hands along the floor as day passes saying “NO PLEASE DONT MAKE ME GO”.  Yes its the beautiful beaches, the ocean, the warm weather that all make me not want to leave but there is something else about this place that cannot be described in words.  It is something you have to feel for yourself, something you have to experience on your own.  It comes from an understanding of how hawaii came to be, and understanding of the culture, and just experiencing life here.  Some people hate it, they expect something that isnt here.  They dont understand how this place came to be what it is today and often that creates a tension and an anger.  A lot of the military are treated poorly, but a lot of them are close minded as well making the issue even worse.  I also think most of the military people here are brainwashed into hating it here, and often fail to take advantage of what they have at their finger tips.  They move here because they have to not because they want to and they are warned about how bad it is so they come in with negative minds.  I see it from different eyes.  this is my home and my heart breaks with each day that passes bringing us closer to our departure date.

if this doesnt break your heart you have no heart.