For the first time in a long time i let myself think about actually leaving hawaii and i’m broken, hurt, and devastated.  i know it sounds strange that im leaving even though im feeling all these things but like my therapist said, i need to make a choice for whats right for right now and even though im so hurt moving is whats right for right now.

Since we’re leaving i need help building the ultimate bucket list for oahu.  So anyone that lives here, has lived here, has visited here, wants to visit here i want to hear the things that you want to do, have done, or LOVE to do!

go!

society has really screwed up our understanding of relationships, and why they work, and how they work.

i dont pretend to be a know it all but i do know ive learned a lot in the past 5+ years and even more in the past 3 with my husband.

1) he cannot, will not and should not have to read your mind.  I know we all like to think he will know hot to fix whatever is wrong but he simply cannot read your mind.  Make what you want/need from him clear.

2) pride kills a relationship.

3) you have to be willing to let some things go.

4) your partner is not responsible for your feelings, you are.  (this is something im still working on…it is NOT an easy concept for me).

5) i know everyone says it but communication is key.  I really and truly suck at communication.  i talk A LOT but i dont say much, and listening is a lot harder than you may think.

6) a lot of small issues are often about something much larger, once you understand the larger issue it becomes easier to understand that original issue and tackle the way to fix the issue.

7)therapy isn’t bad, in fact it can save a marrage (not that mine needed saving but its made a lot of things A LOT clearer).

8) get your finances in order. make a budget, one that you agree on with your own separate spending accounts (or we have cash we pull out so we can tangibly see what we’re spending).  Im telling you it takes a whole lot of stress off when you dont have to worry about finances.

9) men and women are from different planets.  it sounds like a joke but truthfully from the therapy we’ve been through, the retreat, the reading ive done and the “comparing notes w other women” ive done, its the truth. men and women are from different worlds.  there is a reason when females complain about their men is typically about the same thing and there is a lot of “OMG MINE TOO!!!” because thats just how men work and thats just how women react to men :)

10) we have this view that marriage should either be a) butterflies and roses or b) miserable.  ummmmm no!  marriage is butterflies and roses but you have to care for those things to keep them alive and well, they dont just flourish on their own.  it is NOT miserable, unless you make it.  omg so he loads the dishwasher differently, definitely not something to get your panties in bunch over all the time (think it sounds silly, stuff like that really gets to people sometimes!)

aannnddd thats all i have for now.  my main thing that started this is that a) a lot of girls wanna be saved…he CANT AND WONT SAVE YOU! You have to save yourself….TRUST me on that one, its how i lived my life.  needing to be saved, once i saved myself i met my husband. b)girls just want their significant other to just know how to make things better. men ask “whats wrong” women say “nothing” and then expect them to keep prying…nope sorry not gonna happen.  how stupid is that? nothing….but then want them to just know.  i’ve only been married for 2 years and together for under 3, so i know im no expert but i promise you we have stuff in our closet that some would NEVER guess or be able to deal with.  We have had a few hard times where its constantly arguing and honestly i expect that to continue to happen through out our lives.  who doesnt fight with those they love, it happens.  I know with time i will gain more wisdom and knowledge but in the short time we’ve been married i can already look out and shake my head and think WHERE DID YOU GET THAT MISCONCEPTION!?!?!

“cant i ever catch a break.” no….no you cant sir.  this is me and you married me and this is the rest of your life!!! so deal. this is exactly what i see when i fall asleep. lucky me :)

i do not know what to do with my mother and my sister…..goodness knows i know how hard my mother is so deal with but my sister is no saint.  I want to be there for my sister but i want her to just realize she is only 13 <-this i know will never happen.

today my sister texts me telling me my mother is accusing her of stealing money from her while my mother was out of town, BUT my sister was at her dads the whole time.  My sister says john did it (my mother god AWFUL boyfriend).

So i call my mother nonchalantly and ask what she is doing, whats going on, and of course my sister jacking the money comes up.

Now i need to explain something to you, my mother is NEVER in the wrong, she constantly thinks peoples actions are specifically plotted against her, and she does lots of things to get people (my sister and i) caught in the act.  She is the type of person that would take a picture of a set up, leave the house, and then check said picture to make sure NOTHING was touched. She did just this, but didnt have a picture.  she hid this jar full of change that she suspects my sister dipped into before.  She covered it with a blanket and when she came back she says it was moved and it looks like a hand was dipped in it. no ACTUAL proof my sister has been dipping into it, no counts of lost money just what she suspects………………….So she tells me how she knows and i said VERY calmly and with no hidden under tones “are you sure john didnt go into it?”  If some of it is johns money when wtf would the problem be of my asking if he went into it?  My mother lost it, and started attacking me and getting worked up blah blah blah. DUDE CALM DOWN! She is on HIGH defense when it comes to John.  I want to hit both of them.  i HATE him, and i fucking have a right to hate him.  there havent been this many problems in our family until his dumb ass came along, and these problems arent even including any of his abuse and drunk driving.  Anyway she hung up on me because i was just out of line blah blah blah. RIGHT…..i ask a calm collective question, I’m in the wrong….okay mom.

I call my sister and she is whimpering and i ask her whats going on.  she really didnt have much to say but she whimpered and cried on the other end of the phone for 3 minutes before asking if she could call me back.  She doesnt want to stay there, i know that feeling.  all i know is the sound of her crying simply breaks my heart into a million pieces.

outside of their issues, i have issues with my mother.  She clings to that stupid mother fucker, but when all goes wrong and the world comes crashing down….who did she call?  who was around at 3am on new years eve?  Who got to deal with all the bullshit and take pictures of her bruised and battered body? OH……ME!  But then when he whimpers and begs and pleads and makes his promises im yesterdays fucking toast.  Growing up sucks.  Figuring out your parents are people, sucks.  Accepting them the way they are, is impossible.

And you’re trying not to cry because all you care about is whether or not you’ll be able to have babies. I’m so stressed about changing birth controls bc I’m afraid that the shot or the implants will make it so I can’t have babies when I already have cards stacked against me.

he may handle some situations with the best response, and he definitely plays video games too much but this man……..

i just dont even know how to explain or where to begin. I guess i’ll start with the endo….

recently i mentioned i’ve been feeling weird and sick and just not normal, its been pointed out to me by a few people of the proximity of my period to now and there is a real possibility its causing me to feel like this.  And then there is the cramping after sex…..its getting worse and a lot of it is emotionally hard.  Who wants to beg their partner to finish during sex when its supposed to be enjoyable…who wants to feel like they need to go sit in the bathroom right after sex….not this girl<-but thats my life.

last night i just broke down crying…..i’ve pushed the endo aside because generally i can function and it doesnt bring itself to my attention until im around my period.  For some reason in my head it feels like its something that will resolve itself…..palm to face.  Its always there, and more likely than not will always be there.

we just laid in bed and i tried not to do the ugly cry while he just ran his hand from my forehead back pushing my hair off my face for a while, and every now and then he would say “its okay babe” quietly.  Its impossible to describe how was was looking at me and his gentle touch but its more than that.  This is such a personal illness, and something he could NEVER understand since he lacks a uterus and all, but he is so calm and comforting its all he can to and all i could ask of him.  It makes me think about the very personal issues we’ve had in the past, and how much we’ve been through and how supportive he has been. this man……….he is my everything.

and i realized a gained a lot of you through my weight loss journey and my fitness.  Ive definitely dropped off that a bit, to say the least, but you all have stuck with me.  makes me feel good :)  sooooooooo love you all!

hurting and bleeding when im not on my period thing….very new to me.  and super not cool. BOO.

sitting here thinking about tattoos….i forgot about the little heart i want.  I know its so silly but im just obsessed with hearts.  Whenever i see them tagged up somewhere in public i need to take pictures of it.  Idk where i want it though. 

can you tell im a hard core lover, and deeply believe in love.  2 love quotes and heart for tattoos….yeah, i am who i am and im done trying to change that!

I spent so many years trying to act like i was so independent and i didnt need a damn soul in the world.  I wanted to be on my own blah blah blah…really inside i was just a girl wanting to be loved, i was just WAY too afraid of getting hurt.  Its still a huge fear, but this feeling is worth the risk.  Love may not workout, but you will never know if you dont let it in.

Last night we had sex and im in the weird place between my pill packs where im skipping the sugar pills and starting a new pack.  This means that my body has been preparing for my period but i’m stopping it.  Since its been preparing I can feel my aches in my body and more random cramping than the average day.  This also means I need to be cautious with sex.  I didnt cramp after like i used to but even worse…cramping during sex.  There is no explaining it to someone that doesnt know the feeling but i just wanted to stop and cry.  We switched it up and it stopped but it didnt stop me from wanting to cry.  I cry because of pain, but i also cry because it fucks with you emotionally.  I dont really know how to explain it…i feel like i just want to curl up and not be touched by anyone.  Its embarrassing but its not at the same time, its frustrating, i feel almost violated-not by him but by my body-ugh i dont know how to explain it but just thinking about it is making me all teary.

sorry for those that read this and it was too much but this is my blog and endo is a part of my life.