Have you ever felt like you just HAVE to get out, like youre being suffocated by the place you live in? Like you dont belong there? Have you ever felt like you need to find your home?
I spent my later teen years feeling this way. I left home and went to school in Chicago. I was happy but it just wasnt right. I missed my home where my family is so badly it physically hurt within my body and I would spend hours just moping and crying in my room. I flew home when i could, and my mother missed me so she completely encouraged it.
I came to Oahu when I was 19, sight unseen. I had NO idea what i was getting into. I thought Hawaii was all the pictures you see, but instead i arrived in a city where palm trees grew but the homeless slept along the streets. I was unimpressed. It was expensive and what you paid for was crap. My ex followed me out here and ended up living in the same apartment building as I did so we spent most of our time together when i wasnt working. I took the bus everywhere which took what felt like forever and had to switch over to like 3 different buses to get anywhere. If I had a car it would take me 15 minutes not the 50 the bus took but it was my only option (looking back i prob could have gotten a bike).
I stayed though, i made it work. I eventually broke up with my then boyfriend, moved, met people and purchased my beater ass car. My classes taught me about the people in hawaii and the land i was living on and the friends I had made were intent on enjoying the island, the people, and the food. And soon enough I was home.
Most of you know by now we are leaving in august and i am devastated. This place, this land, these people….this is my home. I am more aware of it now than i ever have been. As we drive around i feel myself being physically pulled towards the land. this is going to sound ridiculous to most of you but i wish there was a way i could hug the land. I just want to lay on the ground under the mountains and feel the earth beneath me, listen to wind blow through the trees on the mountain and watch the clouds race by (because here in hawaii the clouds hang low and move fast). I have finally found home, and now we have to move. Its truly the sensible thing to do but everything inside me is kicking and screaming and dragging my hands along the floor as day passes saying “NO PLEASE DONT MAKE ME GO”. Yes its the beautiful beaches, the ocean, the warm weather that all make me not want to leave but there is something else about this place that cannot be described in words. It is something you have to feel for yourself, something you have to experience on your own. It comes from an understanding of how hawaii came to be, and understanding of the culture, and just experiencing life here. Some people hate it, they expect something that isnt here. They dont understand how this place came to be what it is today and often that creates a tension and an anger. A lot of the military are treated poorly, but a lot of them are close minded as well making the issue even worse. I also think most of the military people here are brainwashed into hating it here, and often fail to take advantage of what they have at their finger tips. They move here because they have to not because they want to and they are warned about how bad it is so they come in with negative minds. I see it from different eyes. this is my home and my heart breaks with each day that passes bringing us closer to our departure date.